The Modern Condition

The Last Straw: Many Americans Just Give Up Upon Hearing that Bacon Can Cause Cancer

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Earlier this week, a study done by the World Health Organization was released that revealed that processed meats, such as bacon and sausage could cause cancer in humans.

The results of the study are devastating for many meat-loving citizens of the United States, leading many to “just give up.”

Most people who were interviewed could not even muster the motivation to speak in full sentences.

“I just…I don’t…” stammered one man. “It’s not like…I really want…” began another woman.

The vegetarians of America are rejoicing at the news. “Finally, they’ll see what we’ve been talking about for all these years!” yelled one peppy veg, jumping up and down and smiling. When asked how she had so much energy, she replied, “It’s the Super Green Kale-Spinach-Yum smoothie I just had!” The omnivores looked on in despair.

It’s expected that the diner industry will be hit hard by the news, but not quite yet. “Our customers have a few more years of hopeful ignorance. It’s when the health posters and the anti-bacon commercials start flooding our streets and TVs, that’s when we have to worry,” said one diner owner. “For now, we’re going to keep serving our Breakfast Supreme Meat-Lovers Platter, which comes with twenty pieces of bacon and an option of ten or fifteen sausages.”

October 29, 2015

About Author

C. LaPara Cailley LaPara is currently an undergraduate at George Washington working towards a BA in International Affairs and English, with a minor in Creative Writing. She spends most of her time providing comic relief to the pressures of this highly competitive city, even if she’s the only one laughing. Her comic relief outlets include being a writer for The Collard and the founder of an on-campus comedy-writing group. Other hobbies include writing, reading, sleeping (if there’s time), Gilmore Girls, running, and making up songs in weird voices about whatever she’s doing in that moment. Her roommate loves her for it


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