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The Modern Condition

Dog Sees Squirrel and Without Regard for Leash, Ruthlessly Rips Owner’s Arm Off

Sammy, a three-year-old french bulldog viciously took off his owner’s arm as the pair was out for a walk earlier this week in a McLean dog park.

The owner, Carrie Arnett, age 33, said that Sammy had spotted a squirrel and shot like a bullet to chase after it. “Apparently he forgot that I was holding the leash!” Arnett said, attempting a giggle as she winced in pain at the removal of her right arm.

This is not the first instance of dogs pulling off their owners’ limbs. “This actually happens quite frequently,” said veterinarian Alexander Young. “Domestication of dogs stops short of preventing them from chasing after squirrels.”

Prevention of this horrible accident is not easy. As most dog owners will know, it is difficult to spot the squirrel in question before the dog does. As a result, a high- speed chase begins at the end of one’s arm without one knowing it.

In response to this grisly event, cat owners have been smugly posting pictures of their felines to social media sites with comments like, “Frizzle would never take my arm off! Lol! Love u Frizzle.”

Cat owner and Arnett’s neighbor Lily Garcia nearly laughed when she was asked to comment on what happened to Arnett. “Dogs are so stupid!” she shrieked. “Cats are the way to go. They’ll never hurt you. Except emotionally. And sometimes they scratch.”

Next steps for Arnett are unclear. Sammy has appeared to show remorse for what happened by cowering and looking sad when faced with Arnett’s missing arm. “I don’t think I’ll get rid of him,” Arnett said lovingly, petting her dog with her remaining hand. “It was an accident.”

Arnett has taken steps with the municipal government to eradicate the squirrels. “It’ll help dog owners everywhere. And squirrels are useless,” she said. In response, the government has expressed its condolences for Arnett’s arm but states that it cannot and will not attempt to get rid of the squirrels. “All I’ll say is, this gives a whole new meaning to the saying, ‘don’t bite the hand that feeds you,’” said Arnett.

June 5, 2017

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The Collard


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