Featured, The Modern Condition

Local Women Blacking Out Before 2pm in New Phenomenon Known as “Brunch”




In what scientists are calling an “epidemic”, hundreds of local women have been reportedly blacking out before 2 in the afternoon in what appears to be a string of alcohol-related incidents collectively known as “brunch”.


“We’ve never seen anything like this before in our studies of breakfast and lunch,” says Barbara P. Green, a food scientist at Stanford University, “it appears that the combination of the two meals of the day gives young women the desire to drink to a level of near unconsciousness, every single weekend.”


We investigated a local bistro, The Gold Standard, which offers a “bottomless” brunch situation on the weekends. What we found astounded us.


Women from ages 21 to 56 gathered in large groups, mercilessly demanding the attention of clearly exhausted waiters in order to refill their “mimosas”, which appear to be the consciousness-robbing elixir of this “brunch” phenomenon. Several lay slumped over empty plates of eggs benedict, french toast and omelets as their friends continued to drink the death juice.


“It’s my biiiiiirthday,” one young woman, Raquel said, while dumping half of a Bloody Mary on her shirt.
It was 12pm.

May 13, 2017

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Tam Sackman

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