The Modern Condition

Text “E. Coli” to 33-22-33 to Get a Long-Winded, Personalized Apology From an Intern at Chipotle HQ

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While many are celebrating their free burrito, courtesy of an initiative set forth by Chipotle to regain significant losses after it was discovered that nearly all of their stores have been affected by E. Coli, those who have actually redeemed it are suffering on the toilet. A new initiative was recently announced where patrons text “E. Coli” to 33-22-33 and receive a long-winded, personalized apology from an intern at Chipotle’s corporate headquarters.

After I finished puking my goddamn brains out, I decided to text that number. Here’s what I received in response:

“Hi Tam, I am seriously soooo sorry that you got sick from eating at Chipotle even though all major media outlets have warned against it. I hope that after like, a month or two you’ll forget about this and come back. Like, I can’t stress enough how important it is that you come back. We are literally sinking here. There are no lines anymore. There’s nothing. We’re drowning in carnitas here. Please. We’re so sorry.”

I texted back: “Can I have another free burrito?” and am still waiting on a response.

February 29, 2016

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Tam Sackman


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