Last Tuesday, President Obama announced his plan to close the American military prison at Guantánamo Bay. This plan, one of his original campaign promises, is seven years in the making. Here is a brief outline of what would happen to the 91 current detainees if this plan were to follow through.
* 10 of the more “laid-back” detainees will be sent to a detention facility in Colorado
* 5 lucky low level detainees will be sent to Las Vegas with $2,000 cash each
* The majority of detainees would be sent to work as unpaid interns for the Rubio or Clinton campaigns
* The remaining 5 detainees deemed “most dangerous” will be imprisoned in penthouse at the Trump International Hotel and Tower in New York City where they’ll spend their days subjected to the soft torture of Celebrity Apprentice episodes on loop.
During his address President Obama added that he did not want “to pass this problem on to the next president,” adding in a mumbled voice, “unless it’s Cruz, then I’ll be glad to make more problems for him.”