The Modern Condition

Snarky and Unique Anti-Valentine’s Day Comments for Us All to Make This Year


Hating Valentine’s Day is pretty much the norm these days, like hating Trump or being a Democrat. Even you lucky sons of bitches who aren’t alone this year (haha, that’s so great for you) are going around saying things like “but Valentine’s Day is so stupid!” and “we’re probably not even going to do anything for Valentine’s Day this year—it’s way overrated.”

But those phrases are overused (not to mention you’re lying). So this year, let’s agree to be original and spread some new anti-Valentine’s Day messages.

  1. The Salem Witch Trials were more feminist and progressive than celebrating Valentine’s Day.
    • This one really calls out the inherent social issues surrounding the sexist values that Valentine’s Day seems to embody.
  2. Did you know that Valentine’s Day came about because the ancient Saint Valentine was killed for performing illicit marriage ceremonies? If I’m to stay true to the tradition I’ll have to kill you for making those reservations at Founding Farmers, Andrew.
    • Both a teaching moment and an unnecessarily violent one, this little quip will ensure that your Valentine’s Day goes uncelebrated and unenjoyed, as it should.
  3. I used to like Valentine’s Day but then I stopped being an asshole.


Short, sweet, simple.

So this Valentine’s Day, try these. You can still be the bitter little wench that everyone rolls their eyes at on Valentine’s Day (and probably every other day of the year too!), but at least you’ll be more original about it.

February 1, 2017

About Author

C. LaPara Cailley LaPara is currently an undergraduate at George Washington working towards a BA in International Affairs and English, with a minor in Creative Writing. She spends most of her time providing comic relief to the pressures of this highly competitive city, even if she’s the only one laughing. Her comic relief outlets include being a writer for The Collard and the founder of an on-campus comedy-writing group. Other hobbies include writing, reading, sleeping (if there’s time), Gilmore Girls, running, and making up songs in weird voices about whatever she’s doing in that moment. Her roommate loves her for it

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