The Modern Condition

University Psychiatrist Prescribes Xanax for Entire Class, Solves Everything

Student studying --- Image by © Troy House/Corbis

Student studying — Image by © Troy House/Corbis

The number of cases of General Anxiety at a local university has been increasing steadily over the past few years. During a time known as “finals season,” or “hell” to some, the numbers hit a startling 80%, the highest ever recorded.

At this point, the administration could no longer ignore the epidemic. “Too many parents were ready to pull their kids out,” said the Dean of Students. “We didn’t want to lose the tui—I mean, the smart young brains that populate this campus who make my work so fulfilling.”

The solution? Bring in a psychiatrist for the entire university. Have students line up at the student center like it was Flu Shot Day, but instead of immunizing them, write them a prescription for Xanax.

“As we know,” said Dr. Richard Toddle, the University Psychiatrist, “pills solve everything, especially when it comes to anxiety and depression. It’s why it’s such a sweeping phenomenon in this country, to prescribe meds for anyone who comes in to a psychiatrist’s office.”

As it turns out, Toddle was right. The students have made a full recovery. “It looks like they’ll be staying and paying—I mean learning, after all,” said the Dean.

  

December 15, 2015

About Author

C. LaPara Cailley LaPara is currently an undergraduate at George Washington working towards a BA in International Affairs and English, with a minor in Creative Writing. She spends most of her time providing comic relief to the pressures of this highly competitive city, even if she’s the only one laughing. Her comic relief outlets include being a writer for The Collard and the founder of an on-campus comedy-writing group. Other hobbies include writing, reading, sleeping (if there’s time), Gilmore Girls, running, and making up songs in weird voices about whatever she’s doing in that moment. Her roommate loves her for it


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